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Bilbo's Journey

Day 38: Things I hate about cancer

Things I hate about cancer. When you get a cancer diagnosis there is no time off for good behaviour. You’re not off the hook Even on a week when we have limited time in the hospital and less medication. You can’t switch off the big C button, be normal, and not deal with it.

Things I hate about Cancer,godberstravel, #Donate4Bilbo, Bilbo, childhoodcancer, cancer, leukemia, CLICSargent, giveblood, gofundme, bilbosjourney, our new normal,

For every moment this week we’ve enjoyed normality like Bilbo being at school and Rich and I returning to work, 20 things remind us we are not the same family anymore. We took so many things before diagnosis for granted. We enjoyed so many privileges we didn’t even realise.

And so today, I am ranting. Feel free to join me in ranting in the comments.

Things I hate about cancer…

I don’t want to be the parent of a child with cancer…there I said it. I hate F**King cancer. I hate everything about it. I hate what it is doing to my beautiful gorgeous boy. I hate what it is doing to our family, to Harrison. I hate that I argue with Rich over stupid things due to BS cancer.

I hate that when I tell someone that our son has leukaemia, they tilt their head to the side and feel sorry for us. I hate that the woman in M&S asked me how I was still standing up or leaving the house.

I hate the way people look at Bilbo.

I hate that the one thing that is helping and making me feel like I have some control and some power is writing on my travel blog about BASTARD cancer. I should be writing about travel and making new plans to travel the world.

I hate that my return to work this week was a minefield for me and my colleagues. As I read every email and look at my calendar I know I’m here today but might be out again tomorrow or next week. We can’t plan, our friends can’t plan around us, I can’t plan work, I can’t plan ANYTHING.

I hate that my phone has been glued to my hand since Wednesday as we wait for the MRD results. They are still not in! I hate that our friends and family have sleepless nights waiting for us to share the results.

I hate that O2 has had an outage, which I only realised at 3:20 pm, so I had a glimmer that maybe the results were in, but they couldn’t get through, and then I rang the ward to find they still aren’t available.

I hate that every meal choice, every food shop, every conversation about food revolves around cancer. Cravings, changes in taste, hunger, loss of appetite.

I hate that I have guilt for letting Bilbo eat crap, guilt for trying to force him to eat healthy when he wants to eat crap. I’m 2feeling guilty because I’m mad he won’t eat a McDonalds on the way home (yey go, Bilbo), and I will have to make scrambled eggs for the hundredth time.

I hate that normal conversations Rich and I have about our future still happen, then we remember we’re dealing with cancer and we realise a dream, a plan, and hope are now out of reach.

I hate that spending time with Rich can’t extend to a night off, a weekend away, or even a drink together. Because one of us needs to be sober in case we need to drive to the hospital and who wants to deal with cancer with a hangover? And how can we put the burden of care on others?

I hate that I can’t make cancer disappear.

I hate that we can’t leave the house without antibacterial wipes, gel, and other random cancer-related stuff.

I hate that we have an overnight bag packed permanently.

I hate that I have a log book of Bilbo’s blood counts and I get excited when I get a text from the community nurses.

I hate that whilst we are dealing with cancer and everyone thinks that it is terrible (it is), we are lucky! We see so many other families having a much worse time than us. Cancer is evil!


I hate that I have to give Bilbo his meds every day, this is sometimes easy but other days it is super hard. I hate that he has to trust me with giving him poison.

I hate the burden of choosing what we say yes or no to. Will a visit to the supermarket make him sick? Are we doing the right thing by sending him to school?

I hate that I’m relying on other parents to keep their sick kids home to protect my baby.

I hate anti-vaxers for playing roulette with their kid’s health and now my kid’s health.

I hate that H has had extra vaccinations to protect his brother.

I hate steroids.

I hate that Bilbo worries he won’t have friends because he is missing school or may be unable to attend birthday parties.

I hate worrying about whether other kids will be mean to Bilbo or make fun of him.

I hate that his friends have all got books to take home to start reading and Bilbo missed out. I hate thinking about other milestones he’s going to miss. I hate that cancer is stealing his childhood.

I hate that I have pangs of jealousy that other people don’t have our life and then feel guilty for feeling that way.

I hate my en-suite.

I hate the living room carpet and that Rich doesn’t want wooden floors instead of a new carpet.

I hate that it is winter because it is depressing enough having cancer but the lack of sunshine and dark days makes me feel worse.

I hate early starts and nil-by-mouth days at Oxford. I hate the drive to Oxford, the traffic around the hospital, and the parking.

I hate Pret and their limited choice of sandwiches; it has only been 38 days.

I hate that we’re messing my mum around with her work hours and need her to help us function. Cancer doesn’t just impact us it is screwing with anyone and everyone who cares and loves us.

I hate that we can’t even book a week at Centre Parcs in January because Bilbo may or may not be able to go and we can’t claim insurance because we have a pre-existing condition.

I hate that I have tons of books I’d love to read but can’t concentrate for 10 minutes.

I hate that Bilbo can’t enjoy a shower without us protecting his wiggle and tipping a sandwich bag to his body.

I hate that Bilbo has lost his hair and his appearance has changed beyond recognition because of bastard cancer.

I hate that I have so many things to list that are so negative, but I love that writing them all down is making me feel a little bit better.

I hate that some days I don’t want to get out of bed and I want to hide away from the entire world.

I hate that cancer makes me so angry and irritable and I take it all out on the person I love the most.

I hate that some days all I want to do is cry and scream WHY US? WHY BILBO? WHY MY BEAUTIFUL BOY? WHY A CHILD? WHY NOT ME?

I hate that when I haven’t had five seconds to myself, I want to be on my own, and then when I’m on my own, it hits me the hardest, and I want to be back in the comfort of my family.

I hate that some days, being with Bilbo all day, every day pushes me to my limits.

I hate that I’m so tired all the time.

I hate that I don’t want to face people in real life because I don’t want to talk about cancer. I don’t want to have to answer “how are you?”

And more than anything, I hate that I have no control over any of this BS, and we’re serving a three-and-a-half-year sentence.

Yet I’m so so so grateful that we still have our little boy, he is going to get better, we’re getting the best treatment, that children have a much better survival rate in 2018 and we’re in a country where we don’t have to pick up the financial cost of cancer treatment.

And finally, I hate that I can’t even write a whole blog post about hating cancer without feeling guilty, like I’m not entitled to have this massive huge rant because it feels self-indulgent, and I know there are people worse off than us. But I am going to press publish because this is my truth, this is how I feel, and if I want to rant and rave about cancer, then I bloody well will!!!

7 Comments on “Day 38: Things I hate about cancer

  1. All the hugs. Your completely entitled to feel how you feel. All the love

  2. Hi Kim
    I’m Ben Connolly’s mum in law – I met you round Lene’s house once upon a lifetime ago. I’m a teacher but not working at the moment. If you ever want someone to come and do education stuff with Bilbo I would be happy to. No pressure, no worries if it’s not what you want. I also hate cancer and everything it takes from us. Your blog is funny so glad you can let off steam this way.
    Take care, hugs


  3. It’s the most eloquent rant ever Kim, and if it makes you feel better than who the fuck is anyone to tell you otherwise!

  4. God Kim. I share so many of those I hates. Sending love and gin and fizz and cancer free thoughts. Xxx

  5. This sum’s it up absolutely perfectly! We’re just starting cycle 2 of maintenance and are just about able to start getting a little routine back in and making short term plans. Keep on keeping on! Love to you all, I hope you manage to have a spike free christmas. Xxx

  6. unload it all! I read EVERY SINGLE LINE of your spew and you spew like no other! You are a gifted writer in all your angst Kim, and it not only helps you but also helps others understand the magnitude of what is happening to families dealing with childhood cancers. Some people can’t articulate their feelings, or maybe they don’t have the opportunity to share, but you humanize this horrible ordeal. Keep it real woman, you have so many people rooting for Bilbo!

  7. As I read each one of these everyone made sense (even the ensuite !!!!!!!) and I could almost feel your pain kimbo ! You just rant all you like every single one is valid and justified ! Hold each other tight, you will get through this and somehow you ll be stronger for it ? X

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