After denial, comes anger…

Easy like Sunday Morning

The well earned Lego has arrived.

I wasn’t going to write anything tonight, we’ve had some lovely family time today. It started off this morning like any other Sunday morning except both boys slept in (HURRAH) Bilbo was up first and wanted cuddles, it all felt so “normal” until I had to go and start measuring out his medicine.

H was happier than he was on Saturday but he’s still not himself. He doesn’t have a temperature, he doesn’t seem to have anything wrong, but he’s a little less happy and very very clingy as Amanda and Dina saw today when they visited. The sibling rivalry is in full swing. As the girls were heading out the door they were literally fighting over who could sit on mummy.

Back to reality…

Bilbo’s nose started bleeding, medicine needed to be administered so just like that we’re back to reality!

We’ve heard the words “you can’t tell me off i’m sick” from Bilbo which is breaking my heart. I have a little boy that is so angry, so poorly and starting to be so rude. The steroids are starting to rear their ugly head as I see him make angry faces I don’t recogonise. His eyes also look sunken today with dark circles he’s starting to look sicker. And I have a toddler who doesn’t understand why his brother is getting all this attention?

F**K You Cancer

As I sorted washing and moved things about upstairs, so we’re more organised, I noticed my head start to fill with crazy thoughts. At first it was mental lists, which soon turned to anger. I have a pile of shorts in the spare room, i’ve not put them away for next summer because we are supposed to be going to Lanzarote for Christmas. We planned to go months ago, we’re supposed to be leaving on 22nd Dec and home on the 29th. But now i’m packing the shorts up for the loft and tomorrow I need to phone the travel company and then our holiday insurance. And then for good measure I need to do it all again because we’ve booked to go to Mexico in Easter.

I’m angry that the life we’ve built for our family which revolves around travel and experiences is on hold. I’m angry at myself for feeling like this when my son getting better is more important than a package holiday in the sun. But then i’m back to being angry because Bilbo asked today when are we going to the beach, will there be a beach in Lanzarote and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that we’re not going anymore. F**K YOU CANCER!

And i’m angry that I have no idea how to manage a two year old who has less of a clue about what is going on than any of us but he’s feeling it and we’re seeing this in his behaviour. Or maybe he’s just being a normal 2 year old and it is all in my head. AARRGGGHHH another F**k you to cancer for messing with our family and my head.

Lego is Good for the Soul

Enjoying putting the dinosaur together

To take my mind off my anger and frustration I decided to make Bilbo’s lego…it was quite therapeutic and I enjoyed it very much. Bilbo was SOOOO excited when it arrived so it was worth every penny…until the arguments started. Shiny new lego, especially dinosaur lego is very appealing to a 2 year old. And Bilbo DID NOT want to share! AARRGGGHHH!

Other things we’ve done today…

We started the wall of love today, if you’d like to contribute message us for our address.

• Started Bilbo’s Wall of Love, I already know i’m going to love this. I NEED THIS! We will see it every morning as it is at the bottom of our stairs. We can read the messages and stare at it when we feel like crap and best of all it is a visual for Bilbo to appreciate and see to show him just how many people love and care about him.
• Visited with friends and family
• Appreciated the gifts people have dropped off. A massive shout out to the Catchside’s for the gift of bulbs and not onions (Rich thought this not me) i’m looking forward to clearing out our flower pots and planting them ready for spring, a really thoughtful gesture. Especially as Bilbo loves growing things in the garden.
• Driving around looking for fireworks. Bilbo is desperate to see fireworks, we’re not sure how he will feel tomorrow when the display we normally go to is on. Rich suggested we go for a drive and see if we could see any through the panoramic roof on our car, we did and then as we pulled up in our street one of our neighbours was letting some off. Bilbo was overjoyed and he got to watch alongside his friends on our street. We’ll play tomorrow by ear here’s hoping he is feeling good.
• I also had a bloody good cry because well quite frankly this is all pretty shit even if we’re doing our best to put a positive spin on it.

Tomorrow we tackle Bilbo’s school, insurance companies and the mountain of stuff we need to organise for the road ahead.

Thank you for all of your ongoing support

Beautiful Flowers from amazing work colleagues and friends XX